Come on little sis lets go home.

Wednesday, 7/7
The last full day in the hospital was very trying for me but full of good things for Abbie. It feels like we have been jogging a marathon and are now sprinting the last mile. Very often today I was talking on the room phone, listening to my cell phone ring, taking care of Abbie and talking to someone in her room, all at the same time. So much coordination must be done to take Abbie home, and many of the pieces weren’t quite in place as the day began. I had a bit of a meltdown (ok, more than a bit), and then, trying to gather myself, I went to see what one of my daily devotionals had to say for today. The subject line said. “And then Jesus was led by the Spirit into the wilderness where He was tempted.” ARGH..that was me! I was being tempted to lose my cool, be rude, and react poorly, and I was not holding my own. I prayed for the strength to resist my fatigue and frustration, and from that point on the day took some miraculous turns.
One of the biggest variables was Abbie’s therapies. She needs physical therapy, occupational therapy, and speech therapy. It was unclear who was going to provide it and who was going to pay for it. Late in the afternoon one of our case workers called and asked if I was sitting down. Although I’d prayed for strength, I didn’t feel like I could absorb much more bad news..so I just held my breath. She told me that she found a home care agency that could provide all three therapies in our home. This is truly a miracle and so much more than I’d dared to hope for. This will dramatically improve our family life since we will be able to avoid nine trips to therapy each week. And, it is always better for therapies to be done in the setting where a child is most comfortable. This is such a blessing for Abbie and for our entire family!
At 3pm we did the trial with the Passy-Muir valve on Abbie’s trach. Normally the first trial is 15 minutes, although many people can only tolerate 30 seconds the first time. I was so curious to see how Abbie would do, and so anxious to hear any little sound. Well, true to her tenacious personality, Abbie went the full 15 minutes with ease, and had oxygen sats at 100% at the end of the trial, which was phenomenal. She did make one little sound, which I treasured. But, it was just as special to put my hand up to her face and feel her breath coming out of her mouth and nose again! You could see her react with a little bit of surprise the first minutes of the trial as she felt air come through her mouth and nose for the first time in a long while. The valve will not only allow her to vocalize, but will also strengthen her swallow and breathing, and improve her senses of smell and taste..all very exciting things. Abbie will most likely wear the valve three times a day for fifteen minutes each time, and then we will work up to longer periods of time.
We received the balance of the equipment we need today, so all is set for the big day tomorrow. I have her dress laid out and ready. The night of her accident her brothers packed a bag full of things they thought she and I would need. They included a cute little dress for Abbie and a pair of the panties she was so proud of. I sobbed when I saw them, thinking that she would never wear that dress again, since it wasn’t really a funeral-style dress. Tomorrow, she will wear it in victory as we carry her through the doorway of her home!

Way to go Abbie!

Tuesday, 7/6
One day and a wake-up is all that Miss Abbie has left as a resident at Kapiolani Women’s and Childrens. Ray and I spent the afternoon at home, receiving much of the equipment and supplies that we need to have prepared to bring Abbie home. It was exciting and sobering at the same time. We are so anxious to have her home, but the reality of how different she will be really hit home.
It was a day of compounded blessings. In the early evening Abbie went to the OR so that her ENT surgeon could do a bronchoscopy on her. This procedure was done to make sure that her airway was clear of obstructions before we try the Passy-Muir valve on her trach device tomorrow. It is the special, one-way valve that allows people with trachs to talk. We got a great report from the surgeon – her airway looks great, and the order was written for a trial with the valve to be done before Abbie is discharged. Then, the second blessing arrived. There was a brief time when Abbie was coming out of the anesthesia that she was alert but not fully awake. Her body was still relaxed and she was squeezing hands and moving toes on command, and best of all, she winked at her daddy when she asked her to. She has not been doing this much lately, and Ray and I have grown concerned as of late about this seeming loss of abilities. It was so reassuring to see her respond to us. Then, once she was fully awake her body returned to its rigid state and she could no longer react to our commands. I have been resisting increasing her muscle relaxant dosage cause I was seeing some improvement in her tone. And, after thinking about it, part of my resistance was a selfish need to always have her moving forward. I didn’t want the dosage to increase because it felt like a step backward. Ridiculous when I see it in black and white, but it’s the truth. After seeing her capabilities while relaxed I am changing my tune. I have spoken to the staff and we will hopefully be increasing her dosage tomorrow.
I didn’t really get Abbie settled in until 2am last night. I was exhausted and looking forward to some good sleep myself. I kept hearing, “Read Hebrews.” Awwww, come on…can I do it in the morning? “Read Hebrews. Right now. Out loud.” Rats. So, I got my Bible out, and by the time I was thumbing my way to Hebrews I was very curious about the message God was wanting to send at this very inconvenient hour. It didn’t take long to figure it out. Over and over the Scriptures said to me, “Hold on!” The verse that best summarizes the time I spent with the Lord last night is Hebrews 10:23 “Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for He who promised is faithful.” The other verse that struck me was Hebrews 5:8 “Although He was a son, He learned obedience from what he suffered.” I am praying to learn this trait from our journey as well. I think the reason that these two verses are joined together in my mind is that the obedience that is being asked of me right now is to hold unswervingly to my hope…hope that is not based on medical reports or even the chance of Abbie’s recovery, but hope that is based in the One who never changes and always keeps his promises.

Monday, 7/5 10:45pm
Whew! Every time I sit down to write an update it forces me to crystallize everything God has done in the previous day or so. It is truly overwhelming to look back just 24 hours and see His presence in every second, in every situation.
It brings me to tears to tell you that today we know without a doubt that Abbie knows her mommy and daddy. We have known for a few days that she desires comforting and rocking, but today she showed a clear preference for Ray and I. Crystal and Linda spent the day with her as I, Ray, and the boys did some final preparatory errands. They did a good job at not letting her heart rate skyrocket, but as soon as Daddy arrived this evening it dropped to 110. She was resting peacefully tonight when I walked Ray and the twins out to the parking lot. When I returned she was at 160. Within minutes of talking to her and letting her look at me she was at 95. As much as I am preoccupied sometimes by thinking about eventual extent of her recovery, the interim steps like tonight just consume me with joy and thanksgiving. I can rest in those moments, celebrating God's faithfulness, and be released from the worry about forever by the blessing of today. A friend of ours, a nurse who has worked in neuro units, emailed me after reading about Abbie's episodes. She asked if perhaps Abbie was having anxiety attacks now that she is off the Ativan, since "all toddlers do that in the hospital if mommy isn't around." Reading the words "all toddlers" and thinking that they apply to Abbie is in some way a bridge to the next steps, as we pray for more and more "normal toddler" things to return to Abbie's repertoire.
I've often written that this experience is much like being in a tunnel, with the light now appearing at the end. Today, as we were driving through a tunnel it hit me that tunnels never take you back to where you started. Especially here in Hawaii, just a short drive through one can take you to an incredibly different place. We went from the bustle of town to the bucolic scenery of the windward side in 15 minutes today. Seeing the verdant landscapes and turquoise waters burst into view today made me realize that we have no idea what the end of our tunnel will bring. It is natural to fear continued struggles, challenges, and sadness for what has been lost -- for the place we have left behind. But, we have not been walking through this naturally, we have been carried supernaturally, and my anticipation for the beautiful things that are going to burst into our lives is building as we near the end of this phase of our journey.
Many people have asked me if I am going to continue the updates after we return home. I will be writing Abbie's story until she can write it herself. There will be a day that she will no longer need my voice. But, until then I will be honored to share each step with you. You have been with us through the very darkest hours, and I want to share the warming rays of the coming dawn with you as well!
Tomorrow Abbie will go to the OR with her ENT surgeon, so that a scope can be inserted into her airway. The surgeon will be checking for granules and excessive scar tissue that may block Abbie's airway when we try the talking trach valve. Please pray that all goes smoothly and that her airway is clear. This is an important step towards us hearing her voice again. The day she says my name I will not need to type an update for you will hear my shout of joy around the world!
I also need to let you know how effective your prayers were for Baby Isabella. She responded remarkably!! She's back in a normal crib, weighs 4 lbs 4 oz, and knows her mommy, too. Let's just pray her through the next big step - they will be transitioning her vent to the CPAP function, which requires a lot more work on her part. Her little lungs have been through a lot, and this will be a big challenge for her. If she succeeds, the questions from the staff about the viability of her life will greatly decrease and her family can look towards taking her home in a couple months. Pray that God would be glorified through her healing and praise Him for what He has done in this little one!!

Even angels need their rest.

 

Sunday, 7/4 9pm
So much to catch up on. I've been kept away from the computer for two exciting reasons. The first is that we spent the day yesterday getting Abbie's room ready at home. We actually are putting her in our 2nd family room, which we use as a school room. This way she can be in the hub of activity during the day but also be in a quiet, restful place at night. It took much reorganizing, including consolidating three bookshelves of materials into two. It is an act of God for a bookaholic homeschooling mom to be able to accomplish this, and even Ray was impressed! With our friend Linda's help, we were able to get everything done yesterday. Now, we are simply waiting for the equipment and supplies which will arrive on Tuesday and Wednesday. Linda and I then made a run to Toys R Us to get a baby monitor, a new diaper bag, and a special teething toy to help with oral therapy. In the checkout line I felt that, given the contents of our cart, I should've been about 36 weeks pregnant. But, I'm not sure any expectant mother has anticipated an arrival as much as I am looking forward to Abbie's homecoming.
The second reason this update is overdue is that beginning on Friday night Abbie has had episodes where her heart rate has spiked to rates of 200-210. She gets red and splotchy and her body shakes. It was frightening the first time it happened, but as has been the pattern, something wonderful emerged. In the midst of the first episode, I picked her up and just rocked her. She started calming fairly quickly. It happened a couple of times when Crystal was with Abbie on Saturday, and Abbie was in the midst of another episode when Ray and I arrived back at the hospital on Saturday evening. The nurse looked fairly concerned, but I just asked her to step aside so that I could pick Abbie up out of bed. She began calming at once. Fortunately, her symptoms do not match symptoms of seizure activity, which was our primary concern. Ray took Abbie over to the sleep chair and laid her on his chest. She picked up her head and moved her eyes until she was staring at him. As he was calming her during a following episode, he said, "Don't worry, Abbie, Daddy is going to make it all better." And he did, as her heart rate dropped in record fashion. One of the cruelest things for Ray during this entire journey has been having to stand by as a passive observer, unable to "fix" anything for his little girl. It was an exquisite gift from God for him to be able to say that to her last night, and for it to be true!
Dr. O., Abbie's neurologist was by this evening and confirmed that it doesn't look like seizure activity. She also noted that she would agree that Abbie does seem to be responding to us, and that is "promising." Another miraculous step on the journey!!
I opened up a devotional today, and the topic for the morning of July 4 was, appropriately, "Leaning on Jesus' bosom." I laughed as I recalled the sweet picture of Abbie sacked out on Ray's chest, just as if we were at home and none of this had ever happened. The first verse of the day was "As one whom his mother comforts, I will comfort you." John 13:23. What a privelege to know that we are able to comfort Abbie during her distress -- to know that she desires our embrace and relishes our caresses.
I hope that you had a great day celebrating our freedom -- I hope that we never take for granted the resolute acts of courage required for the birth of our nation, and for it's ongoing presence as a light in this world. Abbie's Independence Day is right around the corner, and I think that with her perseverance and determination she would've fit right in with the founding fathers!

Mommy says, "I see you".

Friday, 7/2 noon
I looked up at Abbie's pulse-ox and wondered by her oxygen sats had fallen to 91. Then, I realized her sats were at 100, and it was her heart rate that was 91. A new low for her, and so exciting to see her relaxed on her bed, with every joint bent somewhat. We wore her out during another very good physical therapy session today. She bent all her joints except her stubborn right knee, and when laying across the ball she would lift her head and shoulders when I tapped on the ball. Every day we see a little progress, and I also appreciate how much better it makes her feel during the rest of the day.
A feeding specialist stopped by to evaluate Abbie today, along with Abbie's speech therapist, Lisa. Lisa is a wonderful advocate for Abbie, and is trying to ensure that Abbie doesn't plateau in her recovery because we are not pushing her to the next level. It's so comforting to know that I am not fighting the therapy battle alone!
I also recieved the tracheostomy training portion of the CPR class today. No emotional meltdown this time, in fact, it was very encouraging. I was able to ask the Respiratory Therapy Educator a lot of questions about the talking valve that we are going to try on Abbie soon. He said that using it not only allows vocalization but also helps the lungs and stimulates the vocals cords. I am looking forward to seeing how Abbie does with it!
As I work with Abbie and wonder about her recovery, and also as I think about how my other kids are doing and worry that I haven't been available to help them through this, I claim Psalm 91:11 in their names, "Thank you Father,that you have given your angels charge over Crystal, Chase, Kyle, RJ, Matthew and Abigail, to guard them in all their ways." I have to continually remind myself that I am not their ultimate parent nor the provider of their ultimate security or healing. I have to accept this not as a shirking of my responsiblities, but as reality. I do the best I can, and then, instead of beating myself up about the rest, I lay it at His feet. He has provided all they need and holds them in the palm of His hand. I think this is the only resting place for parents.

Thursday, 7/1 11:15am
I have been keeping a wonderful secret for the past two days. We had an important meeting this morning that gave me confirmation enough to share the great news...we are bringing Abbie home on July 8th!! We are thrilled beyond words to think that next week at this time we will be packing up her menagerie of stuffed animals, hair pretties, and custom gowns and hitting the road in the Suburban, just like normal. There are, as Ray put it this morning, "a million moving parts" in her discharge and plan of care at home, and we really need your prayers to ensure that it all goes smoothly. An area of particular concern is the continuity of her therapies. She has been making great progress and I don't want there to be a lapse in services that would set her back. For those of you on Oahu, please know how much we have appreciated your undending support, but we hope that you will understand that we will need a couple of weeks without visitors to get Abbie settled in at home and to establish our routine.
As for Abbie, she came completely off the Ativan last night, praise God. Her neurologist wants me to keep an eye on her muscle tone through the withdrawal period, since it may increase. What I have seen, though, over the past couple of days is that she is getting more relaxed. We have had the best therapy sessions in weeks during the last two evenings. She is allowing me to bend her knees to 90 degrees again, which I haven't been able to do in at least 3 weeks. In fact, I bent them past 90 degrees, so that her foot touched the bed with her knee in the air - I haven't done that with her since she has been hospitalized! She is allowing me to get a full range of motion in her shoulders as well. I had become very discouraged over the weekend about her muscle tone and therapy, bearing great guilt that I have not "done enough". My hope has been greatly revived, and a burden lifted as I see Abbie respond so well to the changes and increases in therapy. She bounced on the big red ball again today, sans food, and it went very well.
I have mentioned Baby Isabella previously, and I need to ask for your prayers on her behalf again. She had surgery earlier this week, and made it through OK, but her vent settings remain very high. Would you pray that her pain and agitation would decrease and that she would breathe better. Please also lift up her weary, embattled family. I almost feel as if she and Abbie are teammates, and it's no fun to win a race without the whole team at the finish line.
As the transition to home nears, in addition to encouraging us, it also accentuates the strain our family has been bearing these many weeks. It's a new level of reality -- we will be taking Abbie back to her house, but she will be a very different little girl. This realization can sometimes be the spark that lights the tinder of stresses, concerns, and fears piled up in our hearts. Maintaining control over your tongue when your heart is aflame is impossible. God has given us more than enough grace to bear with each other through this, but there are still trying moments. Last night was one, and the only reason I mention it is so I can tell you how God pulled me out of it. After midnight I was crying out of exhaustion, despair and frustration. He stopped me cold in my self-pity tracks with four simple words, "There will be joy." It was as clear as if I'd been smacked over the head with a book (which I may have actually deserved.) There will be joy -- and not joy tinged with sorrow, or regret, or guilt. Out and out, feel it in your bones joy. I looked at Abbie and knew that I will not always look at her with a broken heart, as I do now. My little girl is going to laugh again, and there will be joy...

Tuesday, June 29, 9:45pm
A day of new adventures for Abbie. We loaded her up in her sporty wheels and cruised down to the Physical Therapy offices for some new therapy routines. The session started off on a great note, with an Occupational Therapist evaluating Abbie's oral functions to see if we could work toward giving her tastes of things. She has all the functions she needs to be able to eat, we just have to work on strengthening them. It could take a good long while, but I was so encouraged to put a therapy routine in place that will help her work toward tasting her favorite Jamba Juice again. She is not particularly thrilled with the oral therapy, but I think in the end she'll appreciate the results.
After the OT eval she began a fun day of PT..she and the therapist got on huge red ball that had a dip in the middle. They "rode the horse" going back and forth and bouncing up and down. We put her on her tummy and rolled her down so that her feet were touching the ground and she could bear some of her weight. We also did some nice stretches for her ribs and mid-section, for which she showed appreciation with deep sighs and relaxation. The only problem of the day came as a result of Abbie's not-too-bright mommy. Because she is back on a continuous feeding, I just rolled the feeding pole with us, never thinking that perhaps bouncing on a big red ball and eating were not compatible activities. Towards the end of the session she was coughing so hard (like a good girl), but her coughs combined with the bouncing ended up with her lunch cascading down her shirt and shorts. So...tomorrow we'll leave lunch back in the room and do therapy without it!
My friend Linda arrived safely yesterday, and I didn't realize how much pent-up emotion I had until I saw her and just collapsed into her arms. Because of all her experiences with Hannah, her daughter who has Down's, she can finish my sentences as I explain what is in my heart. What a comfort, and also what an encouragement!
During the first week of this journey we got a call from a man named Milford Misener. He was a seasoned (I didn't say "old") pastor who came as an interim to our church in Los Alamos. Although I loved his preaching and appreciated his leadership, I didn't think we'd have much in common. Then, one Sunday he preached about Nehemiah, and he used John Madden to make his point. John Madden was the legendary coach of my favorite team in my favorite sport - the Oakland Raiders. Coach Madden came up with a unique statistic to measure the toughness of his players.."YAC", stood for "Yards After Contact". We all hear about how many yards players gain each game, but he wanted to know how many they gained AFTER they took a hit. When I spoke to Milford on that dark day I simply said, "Our little girl has taken a big hit, but there's never been a tougher little spirit..not even in the Silver and Black..and she is going to fight her way back." Abbie has already gained a lot of ground, and although the end zone seems to be over the horizon, you are helping us pray our way down field! I think, based on her YAC stat, that Coach Madden would take her any day!

Tuesday, June 29, 1:30pm
Your prayers have helped Abbie settle down again after a couple of days of very high heart rates and isolated vomiting episodes. She is now back down in the normal ranges for heart rate, and she has not had any vomiting in 2 two days! She is also getting much better with her nights and days. She has been awake now since about 7, with only a couple 15-minute snoozes. She is staring at me as I type, and sucking on her binky all the while. I finally put her on the big girl potty today, since I've been promising her I would. Her legs stuck straight out in front of her, as I had expected, but she held up her trunk and head on her own. She didn't actually go to the bathroom, but I hadn't really expected it on our first trip.
So much of this site is my side of the story, but I would like to share a couple of Ray's recent experiences which show how God is really ministering to us through people we don't know. The first instance happened a week ago. Ray was leaving the hospital in the evening and was feeling down -- missing Abbie, worried about me, anxious about the future. He pulled onto the highway and ended up behind a car with reflective letters and numbers of the sort normally used for mailboxes. The message simply said, "Romans 8:28" It seemed as if it was glowing in the dark. The car got off on our exit and turned at our turn...it basically led Ray home.
That Thursday a book arrived, sent by a woman I know only through Abbie's site. "Kathy" is the story of a young girl who was hit by a car and recovered from her devestating brain injury. So much of the story was similiar, from the days of the week when certain things happened, to how her dad responded, to the things her mom did, like putting "before" pictures of her up in her room, doing her hair, and dressing her. We were so encouraged by her story and felt it was a message of hope straight from God. The next day we gave it to Crystal to read. She asked, "Did you guys read the first pages?" I told her we'd read the whole book, but not the introductory pages. She said, "You've got to see this!" And, there it was, all by itself on the fourth page of "Kathy" ..."Romans 8:28 - And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are called according to His purpose."

Sunday, June 27, 7:45pm
A day of trying to see the good things appearing in difficult clothing. Abbie vomited again this morning, which was totally her mommy's fault. Her sats were dropping and I thought I could get away with a gentle deep-suctioning during her feeding. Wrong-o. But, the good news is that she did not aspirate anything into her lungs. Her heart rate has been incredibly high today, and I keep reminding myself that young hearts can handle it. It's the older heart watching the monitor that have difficulty. During her 4pm feeding her sats dropped again, but - remembering the earlier episode, I just did some surface suctioning. This, too resulted in gagging that produced a small amount of vomit. She did keep most of her feeding down, though. She is just becoming more and more sensitive to the annoying things that we've gotten used to doing to her without protest. I spent quite a bit of time on her bed with her today trying to calm her. I'm not sure I was overly successful, but I really treasured the time just to memorize every curve of her face.
The pediatrician that is covering for the vacationing Dr. L (who is still calling, and I'm sure is reading this update...GO RELAX!!) wrote a note in her chart today requesting daily visits from physical therapy. I am very happy about this and think it will really help.
The Gastroenterologist visted this evening, concerned again about reflux because of the recent vomiting. I told her that each time it is clearly related to suctioning, but we agreed that for now, as Abbie is moving through this new stage, perhaps a continuous 24-hour feeding would be easier on her. I mentioned that Abbie now has an incredibly strong gag, a good cough, she is swallowing, and she is sucking on her pacifier and the suction tube. I was trying to gauge how far away we are from trying to give her just a little taste of something in her mouth. Abbie will need to be a littl bit more lucid and responsive than she is now, but I feel strongly that we are moving quickly in that direction.
Tomorrow is a big day because we have a discharge planning meeting at 1pm. We will finally have all the players in one room at one time. I am hoping it will be a very productive meeting. Please just pray for wisdom, patience, boldness, patience, grace, and patience. We are doing productive things for Abbie while we are still here in the hospital, but I am anxious to have her home. Could you please also pray for my friend Linda, who will be on her way her tomorrow, and for her family she is leaving behind in New Mexico. Before we moved from NM I gave Linda a quilt my mom made especially for her. I had written on the corner "Psalm 17:17 - A friend loves at all times, and a sister* is born for adversity." She is living out this verse and it humbles me.
Ray and the kids spent the day at the water park and had a great time. Ray said, "I have lots of stories to tell you, unfortunately, most of them revolve around how old I am getting!" Crystal spent the night with Abbie last night, as she has long wanted to do. The nurse today commented that Crystal watched Abbie like a hawk and made sure everything was in order. What a blessing for us!
This day completes our 8th week in the hospital, and I am amazed that those who started this journey with us are still walking each step alongside us. I am equally amazed at how many have joined in Abbie's march toward recovery. Your endurance feeds mine, and I thank you for that!

Sunday, June 27, 1am
A bumpy day, but it revealed how far we have come. We used to be nervous about very serious things like brain swelling. Today some vomiting episodes and a fever got our blood pressure up! Ray sent me home to sleep last night, which was a good thing because in my exhausted state I could not have dealt well with the night he had with Abbie. Around 5am she vomited and coughed so hard her NG tube came out. She had vomited/gagged earlier in the day while we were at our CPR class. Both times it happened as she was being suctioned, so it's another case of something bad really being something good. As the doses of Ativan have gotten smaller, Abbie has gotten more alert and more sensitive. If someone were sticking a tube down my airway and sucking all the air out, I would gag until I turned bright red, too. So, actually her vomiting was a very normal, if a little hypersensitive, response to an irritant like suctioning. Hurrah! I could rationalize the vomiting, but when her fever got up to 101.2 at noon, then I got a little worried. I just don't want an infection to set her back. They did an RSV test, in my layman's terms RSV stand for "Respiratory Something-Something Virus." It's not a good thing, but I know that Abbie will be at higher risk for things like RSV while she has a trach. We were pleased to find out the test was negative. She had one dose of Tylenol which brought the temp down to 99.5. She never got back up to 101, which was the trigger point for a blood culture to see if anything was going on. She was in some pain during her 12 o'clock feeding, so we had to stop it after just 15 minutes. I was hoping that she would be able to tolerate her 4pm so that we wouldn't have to put in IV in to keep her hydrated. She cruised through the 4pm feeding and has done well since then.
Her eyes are open almost completely now which makes her look even more like herself. I picked her up tonight so the nurse could change her sheets and she moved her left arm up my body as if to put it around my neck, so I helped her do that. Once I put her back in bed I said, "Abbie, can see your big, big smile?" After a few second, the right side of her mouth screwed up into a little "smile". Crystal, sitting on the other side of the room, hadn't seen it, so I asked Abbie to do it again for Crystal..and she did! I then got out the foot switch so that I could entice her to bend her knees even just a little. It only took a couple of minutes until she was pretty proficient with her right foot. Her left foot took a good half hour of practice, patience and hard work - but then I was hearing "Good job, Abbie" every 2 seconds. She is one determined little girl.
This evening Ray and I were blessed with time to share a great meal with some special friends. As we were waiting for them to arrive Ray told me that as he was holding Abbie, he said, "Abbie, I know you have something to say to Daddy, don't you. Are you trying to talk to me?" At that she took a big breath and forcefully exhaled through her mouth. She naturally exhales through her trach, so it takes a special effort on her part to get a lot of air out through her mouth. We are going to be talking to the ENT surgeon next week about getting a special trach to support her efforts at vocalization. Just that one breath was a very special blessing for her Daddy. We know she has a long road in front of her, but even the tiniest steps forward are worth celebrating!
So much more to say, but sleep time is ticking away. Ray and I were talking this evening about not knowing how to even begin to thank all the people who have been and are continuing to help us through this. If you are reading this and have said a prayer for Abbie, you are included in this. Your outpouring humbles us, and we are inspired at how God's people rally around in times of challenge and distress.

Friday, June 25 4pm
Today I accomplished something that was much more difficult than I anticipated. No, it wasn't changing the trach device for the first time, although I also did that. (easy -- just like putting in an earring.) One of the blocks that Ray and I have to check off before Abbie's discharge is attendance at "Infant and Child CPR." Today was the day. I was glad to get one more barrier to bringing her home out of the way. I was totally unprepared for the vivid memories that the instructional video would unleash. I had to leave the room briefly at the beginning of the class to gather myself. Besides labor, and the beginning of Abbie's journey, the next two hours were the most brutal of my life. Each instructional step brought back detailed memories of that step of rescusitation on Abbie. The only way I stayed in my chair was by continually reminding myself that Abbie is still here only because I sat through many CPR classes in the past, and I need to be grateful for that. I am emotionally drained, but we are one step closer to a homecoming.
Abbie is going to start having more physical therapy next week, focusing on additional things besides just maintaining a range of motion in her joints. We are going to work on her trunk flexibility and her weight-bearing ability. I am looking forward to seeing how she responds to this.
Her Ativan was reduced again today, and she has responded well. Her heart rates have stayed in normal ranges for her, and she seems to be able to fall deeply asleep when she is tired (like right now.)
I am still struggling mightily with my desire to bring Abbie home sooner than later. I am providing all of the care except for her medications, so I would rather do that at home where at least I can see the other kids. I opened up my "Daily Light for Every Day" by Anne Graham Lotz in the middle of the night and the first line read "My times are in Your hand. - Numbers 10:33" And further down, "Your Father knows you need all these things. Matthew 6:32", and "Cast all your care upon Him, for He cares for you. 1 Peter 5:7" Why is it that I can know something and be in total agreement with it mentally, but my heart still rebels and wants its way now! I have to trust Him that the other kids will be ok for 3 more weeks, and that He will restore the time that the locusts (in this case, paperwork) are consuming. Please pray for me to hold my tongue when I need to, and to be able to speak gracefully when I need to. I don't feel very prepared to do either right now.
I hope that you get some time to spend with your family this weekend. I saw a G.K. Chesteron quote that summed up my feelings better than I am able, "There is nothing so extraordinary as an ordinary man, an ordinary woman and their ordinary children."

Great job Abbie!

Thursday, June 24, 11pm
A day of testing for me and continued progress for Abbie. Let's start with the good stuff first! When I was standing up and rocking Abbie last night her eyes stayed glued on me, even though I was moving her body. This is another step forward for her, and I loved every second of that visual embrace. Yesterday Ray spoke with another dad who has traveled this near-drowning road and had a very similar journey. The one thing that stood out was his son's irritation with dirty diapers, which matches Abbie's reaction. Eventually this dad put his son on the toilet, and that became the turning point for his whole recovery. When I asked Abbie last night if she wanted to go on the "big girl potty" she blinked "yes" so emphatically that her arms came up off the bed and her body twitched. I spoke to her pediatrician about this and we are going to try it. I have also been standing her up between my legs and she is getting better about trying to bear weight. It is difficult with her legs generally being locked, but she is making progress. Tonight I did some work with her and a foot switch that records any message you want. Right now I have it saying "good job Abbie!" It took her a while to find it with her heel, but then she got better at it. Then, I had to teach her how to lift her heel up again so that she could hit it again. It took a while, but she improved at this as well. It amazes me how quickly she can learn a new skill. She was working so hard that she was crying, but she didn't want to quit. Once she had figured out how to lift her heel and hit it repetitively, the crying stopped. I am so proud of her perseverance! She shared the high point of the day with her brother, Matthew. He asked her, "Do you know how much brother loves you?" And she said, "Mmm-hmmm." He felt so honored and proud that it brought tears to my eyes.
The testing part of the day came as it became clear that we most likely are not going to get to bring her home next week. It will probably be the week of July 12th. After being in the hospital for nearly 8 weeks, you would think that 3 more wouldn't be that overwhelming, but it was the hope that we were close being stripped away that hurt. My heart breaks for my other kids, who really need me. I don't want to be away from them for 3 more weeks. And, I see how much Abbie responds to her brothers and Crystal and I ache for her to be around them all the time. I know that there is a purpose in everything, including this delay, so I am just praying to see it.
We will be reducing her Ativan again tomorrow, so I am excited to see the difference in her alertness and responses. She had a tummy X-ray today to confirm the proper placement of her G-tube because we are going to work toward 30-minute feedings during the day. This would make it even easier to care for her, and would enhance our mobility. For today, please just pray for patience. I am pretty much living at the hospital now, so the combination of my fatigue and disappointment can be disheartening. When Ray talked to the other dad, the man had to really think hard to recall details of his son's recovery 7 years ago. Ray said, "As hard as it is for us to remember life before this, someday it will be just as hard to remember Abbie like this. We'll be watching her run around with her brothers and this will just be another chapter in her story instead of the entire focus of our lives." I thank God for sending me perspective through my husband! But, hey -- I am not above asking you to still pray for the process to miraculously work out for a discharge next week, so please do! As you send your prayers up, I hope that you sense the blessings flowing down in return!

Wednesday, June 23 4:45pm
I'm sitting in Abbie's room being serenaded by our future concert pianist, that is if they allow Fischer Price pianos in Carnegie Hall! Abbie has learned how to play a couple of keys on a toy piano today. Yesterday she would press her fist once in a while to make a sound. After a little more practice today she is now spreading her hands out and has figured out how to play a couple keys with each hand by rolling her hand back and forth. She was napping in her wheelchair when Chase noticed she was waking up. He grabbed her piano and then said excitedly "Mom! She's looking at me!!" She had turned her head to find him and has been staring at him since. He is praising her every note. This makes me all the more convinced that Abbie will really blossom at home. Now Chase is playing hide and seek with her and she is turning her head to look for him!
It seems that each day God kind of gives me a new thought to focus on. Today's is about our purpose in serving Him and choosing to obey Him. It is so far beyond just accomplishing a set of legalistic requirements to rack up reward or favor. I think it all comes down to how well we want to know Him. We are all going to His house someday, some for a brief visit and some to stay. We can choose to spend eternity in a beautiful place with a very benevolent stranger or we can be there forever with our most cherished, beloved friend/brother/father/lover. He becomes known to us in many ways -- worship, study, prayer, and, as I'm learning of late, especially through turning to Him during a trial. Every single thing we do in this life can be done in His Name, if we so choose. Will it impact the choices we make? Definately. Must it change the way we do things? Of course. But, at the end of the day it will result in our homegoing being a joyous, long-anticipated reunion rather than just a tender introduction.
My mom was able to get a flight out this afternoon, so she is currently in the air on the way back to Oregon. It was very hard for her to leave Abbie, but I know my dad will be so glad to have her home.
Please continue to pray for the transition process. There are so many people involved that just when we think we have it all put together another variable pops up. Everything seemed to be pointing towards discharge next week, but then one of the key people mentioned she may not be able to support discharge until mid-July. I am trying not to get too worked up until the discharge meeting on Monday. All in His timing, All in His timing...

Bobby reading Abbie and Gio's favorite story. Nemo!

Wednesday, June 23, 9am
A rainy morning but a beautiful day! Dr. L., Abbie's pediatrician examined her this morning and Abbie found me with her eyes and then found Dr. L! She is not tracking as quickly and smoothly as normal, but given time she can find what she is looking for. This is amazing step for her, and gives us great hope about her sight, which I though was lost forever based on the MRI.
I have heard that we will have a discharge planning meeting on Monday, with a target for discharge of some time next week!! Ray and I have to take a CPR class on Friday so that we can bring her home. I have to admit that I find it a little ironic, since I did CPR on her poolside...but a refresher won't hurt, and we have to learn how to do "trach CPR."
There are a couple of verses that have guided me as I try to walk through this experience. The first is Matthew 6:16 "And, whenever you fast, do not put on a gloomy face as the hypocrites do, for they neglect their appearance in order to be seen fasting by men. Truly I say to you, they have their reward in full." Although I have definately NOT been fasting through this experience, I think that the instructions are still valid. I trust that the Father knows my pain and struggles. There are times when I am out and about in the "normal" world when I feel like screaming, "My daughter is very sick!!" But the other verse I have been clinging to is Matthew 14:27 "Be of good cheer." It's spoken as a command, not a suggestion. If I really believe that He is who He says He is, there's no way I cannot face this trial with "good cheer." Those closest to me could tell you that I have failed miserably many times in striving for this goal, but failure isn't permanent until we quit trying.
There is another miracle unfolding that you may want to check in on and pray for. You can go to www.bucklesfamily.org to read about Jade and Erin Buckles, conjoined twins born in February who were successfully separated on 6/19 (praise God!) They are related to some friends of ours in New Mexico.
Abbie's 3rd birthday is 2 months from today. It was a day we feared we would have to face without her, but now we spend our time imagining what she will be doing that day!

Outside on the children's lanai play area.

Monday, June 21 10:30pm
What an incredible day! Or, more correctly, what an incredible God! Last night I posted two specific prayer requests about her Medicare Waiver and about her home nursing support. We were hoping to get these resolved in the next couple of weeks because these are the two issues that can significantly delay Abbie's homecoming. Well, by noon today both issues were taken care of. Abbie has her Waiver number which allows for the processing of mountains of paperwork, and all of her nursing hours have been staffed. This truly is a miracle and a very speedy answer to prayer. I am still in slight shock at the progress made today. He reminded me again that "you have not because you ask not." I had been worrying about these things but not praying specifically for them. Boy, am I a slow learner or what? Thank you for lifting up our concerns, again, you are part of the miracle!
My incredible sister Tara is on a plane home tonight after spending the last week here doing the nightshift with Abbie. I was so spoiled by getting to sleep in my own bed at night. My mom will be leaving on Sunday after nearly eight weeks of caring for the other five kids..can you believe that? She is going home for a well deserved rest, and our dear friend Linda will be coming from New Mexico (leaving her 5 kids behind) to help us for 12 days. It is now very possible that she could be here to help us celebrate bringing Abbie home!
There have been amazing things happening with Abbie as well. They have started to decrease her doses of Atavan, a calming/sedating medication. Just the small decreases in the last few days have made a big difference in how wide her eyes open and how alert she is when she is awake. I am so excited to see more of her emerge as she is less sedated. She continues to get more relaxed and even bent her knees in the stroller on the way to bath time tonight while she was wide awake. This was a big first for her, as her legs are always locked at the knees if she is awake.
God answered my cries for guidance about an experimental therapy today. Isaiah 30:21 says, "Thine ears shall hear a word behind thee, saying, 'This is the way, walk ye in it, when ye turn to the right hand and when ye turn to the left." I was reading that verse when He very clearly said, "Let Me do this (heal Abbie) for you. Let Me do it all -- for My Name's sake." He has released me from the indecision that was wearing on Ray and I. We are going to trust Him and the promises He has made to us. When she is healed there will be no doubt about Who did it!
Would you continue to pray for our transition process? It could happen very rapidly now, which we would welcome. But, we also want to be able to stay on top of everything and ensure nothing falls through the cracks. We're praying for the right questions to ask, clarity in how to organize our home, and boldness to advocate for Abbie. The light at the end of the tunnel got a whole lot closer today, and the anticipation of carrying our baby across our threshold once more is very sweet indeed!

Happy Father's Day Ray!

Sunday June 20, 10pm
What a day of celebration. Although I failed to get Ray a Father's Day lei, I think he had a pretty great day anyway. At church they had a slide show of fathers and kids, some pictures were from years past and some from the present. It tugged, no, yanked our heartstrings to see so many beautiful relationships captured in pictures. They did show a picture of Ray with Matthew, RJ, and Abbie at the hospital. I cried for opposite reasons at the same time--so thankful that we still have her, and so sad at the realization of how sick she looks compared with all the other images of healthy kids. It was a cleansing and refreshing time of worship this morning, and I sang His praises with a grin on my face. Sometimes, when He takes you to the place where all you have got to stand on is His promises, and you don't even see how they can come to fruition but choose to trust anyway -- then you see the true power of those promises and the One who made them.
We surprised Ray at the hospital today by dressing Abbie up in cute little shorts and a shirt that said, "I Love My Daddy!" Judging by his quivering jaw, I think that arrow found his heart. We took Abbie out to the lanai and enjoyed some family time, took some pictures, and admired how well she is able to lift her head up. We took her out of her chair to take pictures (in order to more clearly see the all-important T-shirt), and when it was time to head in for her feeding Ray decided that he wanted to carry his girl the way he always did. So, we skipped putting her back in the chair and he carried her with her head on his shoulder back to her room. It seemed so close to normal for just a moment, and that was the best gift of the day.
She really is getting more relaxed, and today allowed us to bend her elbows when we asked her to. This is a big step considering we usually have to use near-hydraulic pressure to get them to bend. Her eyes were open as wide as I have ever seen them, and she made some of her trademark funny faces when I was brushing her teeth. That was a welcome reassurance that our Abbie is still in there. After her bath tonight I asked her if she wanted some lotion and she lifted her entire right leg up, as if to say "Right Now!"
I mentioned something about the kindness of strangers, and I don't want to leave anyone out, but there is a certain sweetness about kids reaching out to someone they've never met. I need to say a special thank you to two elementary classes. The first is Mrs. Noey's first grade class at Plymouth Elementary School in Midland Michigan. These great kids all drew wonderful pictures and wrote sweet notes. I LOVED the creative spelling, it will really help Abbie "get betr" soon. She has already worn the pretties that you sent and gotten rave reviews from the nurses. I also must thank our family friend Miss Mia Letterie and her classmates in Seattle. The untarnished optimism and untainted sweetness of kids is medicine to anyone's soul, but especially to those who, like us, are in a dark tunnel. Abbie will really enjoy all of your pictures when she gets better!
For this week would you pray for great progress in the coordination of our transition home? Abbie is very nearly ready to go home from a medical standpoint, but there are many administrative things still to be put in place. Would you pray specifically for her "waiver" to be finalized, and for the nursing care to be all set up. These are big requests, but we know Who hears our prayers, and have seen how He loves to answer. Thank you for remaining so steadfast in your support during all this time. I can't believe that tomorrow will make 7 weeks since the accident. I can barely remember life "before", but am amazed at how far she's come so quickly. Much of her progress is due to the fact that each of you is carrying her, and us, along this path that is too difficult for us to walk.

Sunday, June 20 12:45am
Happy Father's Day! We are so blessed to have all our children with us on this day. I remember how precarious the situation was on Mother's Day, and shout praises at how stable things are now.
Since Abbie has been on the regular nursing floor I've been spending even more time there, trying to assumed as much of the care as possible to prepare for our transition home. So, I owe many people return emails and phone calls. They are forthcoming, someday! I regret that my lack of timeliness may imply a lack of appreciation for all the support we are receiving. Please know, that if I could send messages directly from one heart to another without using a computer or phone, you all would be overwhelmed!
The most noticeable improvements of the day are in areas that have made Abbie look very sick. The high muscle tone, particularly in her legs, is part of the package after a brain injury. Today, while wide awake, she completely relaxed her legs and allowed us to bend her knees with no resistance. A miraculous first for her! She is also letting us bend her elbows while she is awake, and totally relaxes her arms. This, too, is a new step for her. Looking at Abbie in bed she can sometimes look deceptively healthy. Then, I would pick her up to bathe her or put her in the stroller and her eyes would roll back up into her head and stay there. It was heartbreaking to see because it reminded me of how very sick she is. Well, today she is doing much better at keeping her eyes in a normal position as I lift her, or at least returning them to a normal position much more quickly. Little differences change a difficult day into a joyous one.
I have to take one second and use this message for a very personal reason: Dad, I just bought your card today, so it will be late, just like always. But, please know how much I appreciate you and how proud I am of how you are moving forward in a year of great change in your own life. We all love you!
I know that Ray will feel the same way I did on Mother's Day..I felt a little strange being honored for being a mother, when really it's God's greatest blessing. OK - he may go for being waited on AND appreciating his blessings (especially if they don't fight in his presence today). I pray especially that we all would bring The Father special joy today.

Girls night out.

Saturday, June 19 12:31am
Just getting home after a long day with Abbie. It's hard to pull myself away. I enjoy so much being with her when she's awake, and then I can't help but just sit and gaze at her when she's sleeping.
Today was a challenging day for Ray and I because we are entering a new phase of Abbie's journey. We are having to make some decisions about which therapies to pursue, and it is difficult. We want to do the very best thing for Abbie, and sometimes it is unclear what that means. We are crying out to God for wisdom and discernment. We think we are heading down a certain path, and then with more information, prayer and consideration, sometimes the decision changes. In a way it was easier when we were just praying for her survival or for signs of recovery. We turned everything over to God and sat back and watched. Now, He is asking us to be active participants in directing her journey, and it is a little intimidating.
She continues to get stronger physically. Today she practically rolled on her side by herself, which was a new thing. And, when I sit her up she can pretty much hold her head and trunk up by herself. She has gained almost four pound since being hospitalized. I guess when all you "eat" is a nutritious formula, without empty calories from Cheetos and the occasional Red Vine, that will happen. It's obvious when you look at her chubby little thighs where those pounds have landed!
Today was difficult as well because it was just one of those days when both Ray and I missed her. We missed the funny things she would do and say, how she would lay on Ray's back and watch TV with him in our bed. How she would get up on his lap and say, "I love you my Big Daddy." We had dinner in the cafeteria in the midst of these blues, and as I looked out the window I saw a scene very common in Hawaii. A fine mist of rain was falling through the brilliant sunshine. God gently said, "All you see right now is the rain. But, in My design the raindrops are actually suncatchers -- see how beautifully they shine and enhance the sunlight? Your sadness about Abbie is a small part of what is going on, and it will only serve to enhance the light I am bringing." It's still hard, and I am sad to admit that. I wish I could say that the incredible comfort He provides makes it all OK, but the pain lingers. I know He planned it that way and trust that He forgives my weakness and impatience.
I do need to ask all who are praying to please add one more precious little girl to your prayers. Baby Isabella, in Seattle, was born 3 months early. She has been fighting for her life for about 60 days now. She has ups and downs, but has taken a downward turn as of yesterday. This next week will be critical for her. Please, when you think of Abbie, lift up Isabella as well. Her mom and I have been corresponding when we have the time, and Abbie and Isabella have a play date to keep.
I have so much I need to say about the kindness of strangers lately, but I will save that for tomorrow since I am planning on being back at the hospital in a few hours. Just know that God uses what may seem like small things to you to impact others in a huge way. One quick example (and then I really am going to bed)...I bought a portable CD player and speakers for Abbie a little while ago. I didn't tell the salesman anything about what was going on, he simply asked if I was going to be using it soon. When I said, "yes" he proceeded to cut open all the packaging, put in the batteries and test everything to make sure it was working. It seemed insignificant to him, but it was huge to me. Not having to deal with that mundane task in my sleep-deprived state was such a blessing, and it sticks in my mind 3 weeks later. God can use you wherever you are, and whoever you are if you just turn your heart toward Him.

Happy Birthday Daddy.

Thursday, 6/17 6:45pm
When Abbie slept soundly last night from 10-12, I thought, "Wow! We've got this day/night confusion thing licked." Ha! She was then awake until 10am. I tried to keep it dark and quiet for her, but couldn't resist having a little play time around 2am. We sang songs, she played with a couple toys, and then I begged her to go to sleep. Although she did not comply, I was glad that she was awake and very responsive when her pediatrician, Dr. L, visited her this morning. It is always hope-affirming when we see her respond to commands. She also started following me with her head last night. She cannot track with her eyes yet, but she was turning her head to see me as I moved.
I met the Public Health Nurse today who is going to be one of the people helping us navigate the transition process, particularly the areas involving preschool and therapies. It is exciting to really be thinking about these things becoming a reality.
We had a very special time with our small group last night. A great cheer arose as we wheeled Abbie into the conference room. She got to hang out with us as we celebrated Ray's birthday. She was so excited she slept through the whole thing. The twins also wanted to be there with us since they have been missing us so much. I am so glad we consented, since as part of the celebration each member of our group said a bit about Ray. I think hearing all the kind, encouraging, affirming things about their dad will be forever carved on their hearts. What a blessing!
I read a quote yesterday that I can't properly attribute right now, but it said, "There are three stages in the work of God: impossible, difficult, and done." I praise Him for guiding us gently through the first phase, and now walking us through the second part. We "eagerly watch" for the completion of His work in Abbie. I have a feeling we may not see the complete picture of all He is doing until we are with Him.

Wednesday, 6/16 6pm
Abbie has given her Big Daddy a very sweet birthday. So much has happened today! She was finally awake when the Physical Therapist and Speech Therapist arrived. She was fitted for her wheelchair, and really loved being in it. We cruised back up to the PICU to show off her new wheels. We then went to the playroom lanai and enjoyed the breeze for a while. Her oxygen sats were better than they had been all day.
The speech therapist brought a quacking duck for Abbie to play with today. She worked it with both a grip switch and a switchplate she touched with her foot. She did very well at this, to the delight of her cheering audience.
My mom and I gave Abbie a tub bath today, which was very eventful. "Eventful" is not really a good thing. First, the portable suction machine stopped working. She is doing so well at coughing that I decided to go ahead with the bath. Then, while in the tub she coughed so hard that her artificial nose (covers her trach) flew across the tub. My mom and I were laughing so hard we had to recover in order to go get a new nose for her. It feels very strange saying, "My daughter just coughed her nose off into the tub, may we have a new one?"
She then coughed the second nose off as well. At this point we decided we'd had enough bathtime adventure for one day, packed her up and dried her off once we got back to her room.
The most fantastic birthday present for Daddy came late in the afternoon. I was fumbling my way through changing her trach ties (the bands around her neck that hold her trach device in place). It was too tight, so I redid it, only to make it too tight again. As I was redoing it, AGAIN, Abbie vocalized and impatient, "OH"...as in "would you just hurry up and get this done?" I was shocked, and took a step back. Then it hit me - I had just her her voice again, for the very first time. I almost dissolved into tears on the spot, but I still had to get those trach ties back together. I was thrilled to tell Ray about it a little bit ago, and only wish he could have been there. It had been such an exciting day up to that point, it was almost as if God was saying, "Oh, yea? Watch this!!"
As Abbie was sitting in her wheelchair I was noticing how much stronger her neck is getting because we've been sitting her up. I thought, "I'm so glad we didn't wait until her neck seemed strong enough to put her up in a chair, because being up in a chair is what will make her stronger." I realized that God works the same way. He doesn't wait until we are strong enough to handle a situation -- He puts us in situations to make us stronger.
My praises are so plentiful and so profound today that I feel unable to put them into words. I am thankful for a terrific husband who is truly God's gift, and my match. As the candlelight on our birthday cakes gets brighter and brighter, I marvel at how love grows sweeter through time and trial.

Tuesday, June 15 3pm
Sooo much to catch up on! Our computer was on the blink yesterday, just when I had so many great things to share. The first is that we are out of the ICU!! Abbie spent exactly 6 weeks being taken care of by the 3rd Floor Angels, but has now graduated into a "Big Girl Bedroom" all her own. One of the biggest blessings is having a window. We moved her down around 5am on Monday, and after just a little bit the sun started coming up. As the light crept across her pillow I sobbed, thinking that it was Abbie's first morning in six weeks. It has been good to have more peace and quiet, and we are working on getting her to stay awake more in the daytime and sleep at night.
She is now able to have a tub bath every day, since it is right down the hall. Yesterday my mom and I took her to the tub by ourselves. Mom was the Suctioning Queen, while I did the bathing. It was nice to be there by ourselves so that we could linger as long as we wanted. Her arms were so relaxed, floating in the nice warm water. I bathed her all by myself today, and she particularly enjoyed the after-bath massage.
Her coughs continue to get stronger and we are having to deep suction her less and less. Her trunk is also getting stronger. Today when I sat her up to brush her hair, she really helped me hold up her body.
We are to the point now where we are starting to consider what kinds of rehabilitative therapies to pursue for Abbie. Please pray for wisdom and discernment as we travel down this path. It looks like we may have an exciting opportunity for a leading-edge therapy for her, and we just want to make sure we are making good decisions.
Abbie will be allotted 56 hours per week of in-home nursing once we take her home. The problem is that during the summer, as people take vacations, there are not enough nurses available to support this allotment. We do not feel it wise to try to bring her home without this support since she really does require around the clock monitoring and assistance. Once we are home we will transition into being a complete family again, and I will become everyone's mom once more. We don't really think a good transition will be feasible without the nursing support. Please just pray that we would be patient during this process. We know that God is going to provide for all of our needs in His timing; we just need to wait contentedly.
I found an Oswald Chambers quote today that perfectly sums up how I feel about Abbie's situation, and our journey, "We are not here to prove God answers prayer; we are here to be living monuments of God's grace..." In other words, we are not waiting for God's faithfulness to be proved by a full recovery. He is an unchanging God, His faithfulness was, is, and will be. His grace has been evident in each second of this trial, and Abbie, just by being alive today, is a monument to His exceeding grace.

Pretty in pink.

Sunday, June 13 4:45pm
Abbie and I had an all-night non-slumber party last night. I was hoping -- ok, expecting to get some sleep on my comfy sleep chair last night. But, Miss Abbie had other ideas. We finally both dozed a little around 4 when I climbed onto her bed with her.
Her heart rate is higher than we have seen it recently. We are expecting this to happen now and then as she adjusts to new levels of consciousness. While it troubles me a little when I can't calm her down, it is also exciting that it may mean she is waking up a little more.
I told a friend at church today that Abbie's journey is like filling up a 55 gallon drum with raindrops. It is excruciatingly slow sometimes (in our minds), but with time we are looking forward to the drum overflowing.
Our small group is studying the book of James right now, and we were looking at James 2 on Wednesday evening. There is a passage in it that says, "..if you show favoritism, you sin and are convicted by the law as a lawbreaker." Ray and I read that verse with new perspective. I now realize that one of the fears and heartaches of parents with special needs kids is that the world may not see the eternal flame of dignity and purpose in their kids. Not only our Abbie, but all the kids in the PICU have given us new eyes to see different shades of beauty, grit, determination, and strength. Some of the kids arrived in packages that look very different than "normal" packages, and some of their bodies don't work as well as "functional" bodies. But, please, don't show favoritism by seeing them with the lazy eyes we are trained to have. Look harder. I promise you, that if you look at special kids through His eyes, the vision will take your breath away.
Please pray for Abbie's secretions. She is helping us out a lot with strong coughs, so we are keeping the dreaded deep-suctioning to a minimum. But, we are still having to do the regular suctioning almost constantly when she is awake. Please also pray that she will not be overly agitated or scared as she journeys back to us. She is not at a point where we can rationalize with her, or fully explain what has happened or where she is. We just try to comfort her the best we can.
We were refreshed by the fellowship at church today, and by hearing His Word proclaimed. I pray that you have been blessed as well today, and that as fellow travelers on this journey you are joining us in marveling at God's grace.

 

Saturday, June 12, 5:30pm
I arrived at the hospital yesterday morning to hear "She's moving today!" We were scheduled to move down to the regular pediatric floor. I thought, "How fitting, this is her 40th day in the ICU. Perhaps today is the day the rain will stop." We got all set to go, but then waited, and waited....Several kids ended up being admitted through the ER, and a few more were waiting to be transported from the neighbor islands. So, Bed Space 14 continues to be Abbie's abode for now. I wasn't too disappointed because now we will get a chance to say good-bye to all the staff members we have come to love.
Her eyes were open much more than usual yesterday, and Ray has noticed the same thing today. She is moving all four limbs and her head quite a bit. I called Ray a little bit ago and he put it this way, "When she is asleep, she is sleeping more soundly. And, when she is awake, she is MUCH more awake." I was so glad to hear the excitement in his voice.
Last night her heart rate was very high, and I did all I knew to do to bring it down. I changed her diaper, suctioned her, and then repositioned her. No change. Then I thought "just be her mommy." So, I did what I would've done if we had been at home and she were sick. I got into bed with her. I prayed that I would not pop her air mattress and have to explain a sudden deflation to the staff! It was wonderful to just to hold her and stroke her face and hair. She calmed right down.
God has really grown me in the way I look at Him through this. There is a long hallway leading from the elevator to the PICU. One side of the hallway is all windows, with a view toward the lush, green mountains. During the first week I would walk down that hall, looking at the clouds hugging the mountains, searching for some indicator of how the day would go. You know, black stormy clouds meant I needed to brace myself. No clouds meant something good would happen. Even though it did seem to follow this pattern, I have learned a faith that is much deeper. Now I know that despite what the clouds are like, the sun is always shining behind them. I may not be able to see it on certain days, but it is still there. In the same way, on the dark days, the Son is still there, even if my weakness prevents me from seeing Him.

Friday, June 11 8am
King Kamehameha Day here in Hawaii, which means Ray can enjoy the day with the boys. My mom spent the night with Abbie so that I could catch up on my sleep after a couple straight days with Abbie.
Abbie is stable. She did have to go back on supplemental oxygen Wednesday night after a few days of just being on room air. They were able to wean her back down to room air during the day on Thursday.
An occupational therapist visited us on Thursday to try out Abbie's carseat (which won't work) and a different carseat (which will work). Abbie liked sitting up, and relaxed and fell asleep in the seat. It was exciting to see her in something so familiar, and so normal. It makes me anxious for the day we are strapping her into the car to go home.
We may be moving down to the regular ward fairly soon, as they are expecting the admission of more kids in the PICU. We have mixed feelings about that (mostly because it will be like leaving family members behind when we leave the staff), but it will be best for Abbie and our family.
God has been showing me so much through this, and I'd like to share something from the very first week of Abbie's journey. The night before the accident the kids and I were reading from "Foxe's Book of Martyrs". Abbie fell asleep on my lap. Boy, how I treasure that memory now. Anyway, at that time we thought we may never have the chance to be as strong or serve as faithfully as those amazing martyrs described by Foxe. We found our chance later that week. I haven't yet met parents who would not exchange their lives for their children's in a heartbeat. Ray and I would give anything to be lying on that bed instead of Abbie. God, in His wisdom, does not give us that choice. He told me that week that He was asking for more than physical martyrdom. He was asking Ray and I to martyr our hearts. He was asking us to walk through this fire in faith, pointing always to Him. I think now that He gives each of us that chance in ways we may not recognize at the time. Decisions we make that go against our desires, our needs, even our rationality, because we choose to trust Him -- that is martyring a heart. So, please don't look at Ray and I as walking a road that you never could. You are on the same road as us, the sign markers just aren't as clear. I know without a doubt that there have been, and will be opportunities for you to martyr your heart. After coming this far in our journey I can say that when you make that choice He responds instantly with joy, sustenance, and hope.

Me and my Grandma

Wednesday, June 9 6pm
Another day of sweet surprises. Today, Abbie got to play! The speech therapist brought up a bag full of different kinds of switches. We found the right one for Abbie -- a grip switch. She is very proficient at this one because she has spent the past week squeezing her little jelly football as we talk about going to UH games this year. The therapist plugged the switch into a battery-operated toy pig, and whenever Abbie would squeeze the grip it would oink and move. You know this toy -- it's the annoying one that they put in the entrance to KB Toys that drives you crazy the first moment you see it. Well, today it was the most beautiful toy in the world. She loved it and went to town on that switch. Even after we took it out of her hand she squeezed a few more times as if to say, "Hey! I wasn't done yet!" My heart was screaming with joy as I saw my little girl PLAY, and as I thanked God for the technology to bring delight to little girls even as they lay in bed getting better.
Today they transitioned her to "bolus" feedings, which means that she is not fed continuously any more. She is fed over the course of three hours, and then takes an hour off. We will work toward the goal of feeding during one hour and taking three hours off. This would be a great boost to mobility because we won't need the electric feeding machine for a one hour feeding, it just comes out of the bag at that rate by gravity.
For kids like Abbie, once they are 3 years old they recieve all of their therapies at special pre-schools. Abbie will turn three in August, and we are working to try to delay her entry to preschool until at least the first of next year so that we can enjoy having her home and learn her therapies. The one great piece of news on this front is that the special preschool for our area is in the elementary school one block from our house. We are thrilled at the prospect of walking Abbie to school.
We have also been cleared to transition out of the ICU onto a regular nursing floor. The other floor is currently full, and we don't know when a bed will be available. That's not a bad thing really, because we have gotten to know the staff, and quite a few of the families, in the PICU and are very comfortable there. But, it sure would help get Abbie's days and night sorted out if we could have it dark and quiet and night, which is not possible in the PICU. Please just pray for wisdom for us about the timing of this transition. It is a huge step to be far from the sickest patient in the unit, which is unfortunately a very busy place tonight.
I need to thank all of you who have reached out so tenderly to me since I wrote about my feelings as a mother of a drowning victim. The quenching water that cools the flames of guilt...the verses that you've sent me, the understanding phone calls, visits, and messages...God has used all of those to douse me very well. I wish I could be more eloquent because so much is on my heart, but I didn't make it home for a rest today. (Shhhh! They let me use a sleep chair by Abbie's bed last night, not generally allowed in the PICU, so just keep it between us!) Please just accept my thanks for carrying me when I am weak, hearing me when I cry, and praying for Abbie when I don't have the words.

Tuesday, 6/8 1:30pm
So much has happened in the last 12 hours or so that I am excited to tell you about. First, I got to take Abbie for another tub bath, and we got pictures this time! She loved it and did very well. We didn't even have to suction her while we were out and about, which is a big change from her last tub bath.
Because she did so well, they ordered a portable pulse-oximeter (monitors heart rate and oxygen sats) and a portable suction device for Abbie. We put them in the basket of the stroller that is now parked by her bedside. The doctor wrote a note saying that we can leave the unit any time we want! So, Abbie accompanied Ray and I to breakfast this morning. She enjoyed it for a while and then fell fast asleep. I had my mom bring the kids up to visit Abbie. When they arrived I said, "We are going to the play room....with Abbie!" So, we all went downstairs, and I pushed Abbie OUTSIDE onto the lanai (or patio for those on the mainland). It was incredible to see her with sunshine on her face and her hair blowing in the breeze. We got lots of pictures of this as well.
When a physical therapist stopped by I mentioned that I saw her swallow yesterday. She said, "Oh, so I bet her secretions are less." Hmmm-- I hadn't even put it together. Abbie is handling more of her own secretions by swallowing, avoiding the dreaded suctioning. Just one more step in her recovery!
A nurse casually mentioned, "Oh, I see she passed her dye test." Blue dye has been added to her formula for the past couple of days to ensure that if she had reflux we would see it. There has not been one drop of blue in her mouth, nose, or lungs. I asked if they would do the test again when they turn the volume up on the feeds or when we start feeding her over a couple of hours and then taking a couple hours off. She said no -- reflux happens with a little food or a lot. So, it is official - Abbie no longer has reflux problems. This is such a huge advance that I can't really believe it's happened already!
I was just on my way home this afternoon when Dr.O., her neurologist showed up. She was doing some tests on Abbie and commented that she is regaining lateral movement in her eyes. It is very slight, but a definate gain. I was so glad to hear this because I had noticed it the other night, but was unsure if I was really seeing it or wishing it. This is another big step for Abbie as we watch functions thought to be permanently lost slowly come back.
I can almost see God grinning as He continues to surprise and amaze us. I would've been ecstatic with any ONE of the events I just wrote about. To see all of that happen in 12 hours gives us such hope -- and, as I've written in previous updates -- hope never fails!

Some of the friends in our "small group" from church.

Monday, June 7,1:45pm
Another first for Abbie today. As I was rocking her I saw her swallow. At first I thought, "Oh, how cute, she swallowed." Then, it hit me. Wait a minute!! She hasn't done that before. And, swallowing is a huge step on her road back to eating her beloved pizza.
As I arrived at the hospital yesterday evening, Ray and Abbie's pediatrician, Dr. L. were outside talking. When they asked Abbie if she was ready to be suctioned, she nodded "no" to them. Praise God -- it wasn't just my imagination! She was also able to move her thumb, independently of her fingers, for Dr. L this morning.
A speech therapist came up this afternoon to talk about the devices that they are going to use with Abbie. We are going to start out with "squeeze switches" that control battery-operated toys and devices, like her CD player. They also have a device that says "no" -- I'm afraid Abbie may wear that one out. Finally Abbie will be able to tell me if the things I do, like massage her head and play her music thrill her or irritate her. I am anxious to see how she is able to use this technology.
I have long debated with myself about whether to write the following thoughts, but I think they are worth sharing. It's about how it feels to be the mother of a near-drowning victim. From the first doctor who treated Abbie in the ER, and all the way through the rest of the staff, I have been told "It's not your fault" and "These things happen." I have to respectfully, but insistently disagree. Pool drownings are 100% preventable, and I failed Abbie just when she needed me most. I think most people don't want me to say that, or feel that way, because the guilt and anguish that comes with realizing I have put Abbie where she is could be destroying, an overwhelming, unescapable burden. But you see, by facing what has happened head-on, without watering down the truth, I have my only chance at rescue. In order to survive the flames of guilt and sadness I have to walk through them. Pretending they are not there condemns me to a life of running from the heat, but never escaping. Just as God is saving Abbie, He is also saving me. I am walking through the flames to the quenching of the Living Water on the other side. So, yes, it is my fault, but the Lord has not abandoned me in the dark pit. He seems to have a tender spot to those who have failed enormously, and then cry out to him. Think about David. Think about Peter. The truth truly does set me free.

Yey! Look at that face!

Sunday, June 6, 5:55pm
The praises just keep on flowing!! I talked to Abbie's nurse right before I laid down to sleep today. She said that Abbie's blood test came back "on the high side of normal". And, that test was drawn before any IV antibiotics were on board. So, it looks like the infection will be controlled with medication. We are so thankful for your prayers in this matter!
I talked to Ray just a few minutes ago to check on her reflux. So far, so good. They are going to add some dye to her formula so that if she does reflux it will be very obvious. The doctor is planning to go very slowly on turning up the volumes on her feeds, to give her body a good chance to adjust to the changes.
Dr.O., her neurologist came by to see her tonight. Ray made a comment about how if someone saw her for the first time today, she would look like a very sick little girl. But, for those who have watched her from the beginning, it seems that she is now tap-dancing on the coffee table. He told her that it was probably just his Daddy-bias, but she answered that, no, that wa probably a very good analogy for Abbie's progress. Praise God!
I was thinking last night about feeling completely poured out or used up, and how our society encourages us never to get to this point. But, then I pictured getting to Heaven with energy left in our tanks, and Jesus asking "What good do you think that will do here? I gave you that energy to completely spend in the world, doing the good works I designed just for you." I think that the world avoids being used up because there is no alternate Power Source to rely on. However, we can rest assured that when we are at the end of ourselves is the exact moment when God's power will fill us. I have seen and felt God's people pouring themselves out in support of Abbie, and us, and it has been so humbling. In the middle of the night, while pondering this, I picked up the Faith section of the newspaper. There was a quote from the late Rev. Paul Osumi that summarizes my thoughts much better than I can. "When you and I have finished our work on earth and have moved on to our reward, we will not be remembered chiefly for the positions we held, or the money we accumulated. Rather, we will be remembered for what we accomplished in terms of service to our fellow men and the spirit in which we performed our duties. We will not be asked 'How much money did you accumulate?' or 'What position did you hold?' but 'How much good did you do for your fellow human beings?'"

Sunday, June 6 11am
Another night of seeing God's hand in everthing, especially in things that seem like negatives at first. The nurse and I were bathing Abbie last night and were just about finished when we noticed that her feeding tube was leaking all over the bed. After fiddling with the ports with no success, the nurse determined that there must be a clog somewhere in the tube. She tried to inject syringes full of Coca-cola into the tube to clear it. Yes, it's true -- the Real Thing does have medicinal purposes after all. This strategy also failed. She then tried to clear the blockage with a small wire inserted into the tube. It still remained blocked. The staff determined that Abbie would need a whole new tube, and because it would need to be run all the way to her small intestine, the procedure may have required radiology support. That would have to wait until the morning. I asked the nurse if we could give Abbie a chance to try having the tube in her stomach again. It has been two weeks since she last tried having it in her stomach and had problems with reflux. She has improved so dramatically since that last test that I wanted to see if she could handle the tube in her stomach now. The staff agreed to give it a try. So, at 2am the new tube went into her stomach. As of right now, at 11am, there has not been any reflux. This is such a HUGE praise, and a big surprise. God is so gracious. I can see now that the clog or kink in the tube was His tool to say "It's the right time now" for Abbie to try again.
I was reading through the Psalms, trying to find a way to express my praise and gratitude, when I came to Psalm 77. It is written by a man crying out in seeming abandonment by God. But then in verses 11-14 he changes his tune, and says "Then I thought, 'To this I will appeal: the years of the right hand of the Most High.' I will remember the deeds of the Lord; yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago. I will meditate on all your works and consider your mighty deeds. Your ways, O God, are holy. What God is so great as our God? You are the God who performs miracles; you display your power among the peoples."
The God who performs miracles also never changes. As I meditate on all He has done and revealed through His Word, my anticipation builds -- waiting to see what He is doing in Abbie, and in all of us.

I love you baby girl.

Saturday June 5, 7:45
Urgent Prayer Request: Three days ago they took a a culture from Abbie's tracheostomy site. Today the culture came back positive for a bacterial infection. They started her on IV antibiotics while we await the results of a blood test due tomorrow. Please pray that the infection has been confined to the surgery site and has not entered her bloodstream. Her wound site looks good, her white cell count is fine, and she has not been running a fever, so all other indicators look favorable. But, this is one fear that has been nagging me since day 1. She is fighting so hard, and I don't want to see her overtaken by an infection.
She had another good day, otherwise. She is starting to sleep well for longer stretches of time - up to four hours. She was very active this afternoon, and wiggled her thumb when I asked her to. She received six new beautiful flannel gowns. These ones were made with a bit of a V-neck to accomodate her trach. The outpouring of kindness brings me to tears. She also got several pairs of matching "pretties", so that when she is well enough I can give her the pigtails she loves so much.
I must tell you how much comfort I took knowing that, after we heard the news about her infection, I could count on Abbie's Army of prayer warriors to turn the tide for her. You are standing shoulder to shoulder with us and giving us such strength. We feel so inadequate to thank you, but hope that the Lord's blessings rain down on you for your kindness, perseverance and encouragement.

Saturday, June 5 11:30am
Last night was wonderful - being with the kids, seeing Shrek 2 (my first time, the twins' fourth), and sleeping in my own bed while it was dark outside! Thank you for the prayers for good family time. I didn't go back to the hospital until 4:30. A very faithful friend sat with Abbie after my mom left at midnight. I am home again so that we can spend some more time with the kids today.
Abbie seems to have hit a rythm of one new thing a day. She accomplished her feat early today, probably so I could write to you about it this morning. We were getting ready to suction her, and I told her it was coming. She started nodding her head "no". She did it 3 or 4 times. I am almost positive she was communicating with me, but when she does new things I like to watch for 2-3 days to make sure I'm not imagining it. I will keep you posted on the further evidence that there is still a 2-year-old in there, probably screaming "no" in her head!
My mom, and my Uncle Tim and Aunt Lois are with her now. When I left we had her in her Tumbleform seat and she was so comfortable. After about ten minutes in it she was asleep. It is nice to see her legs relaxed and not straight out in front of her.
I am learning through this, among the thousands of other lessons, that faith is not a feeling but a discipline. Driving home I was listening to "Great is Thy Faithfulness" and trying to sing along. But, I just didn't feel it in my heart, even with these daily miracles. I forced myself to sing along anyway, and to mean the words I sang. I realized that faith lived out when we don't feel like it is probably more precious to our Father than those mountaintop moments when our souls are bursting with praise.

Friday, June4 2pm
A day of seeing what "exceedingly and abundantly" look like in action. The physical therapist came to place Abbie in a special seat called a "Tumbleform". It is a firm foam seat that looks sort of like a car seat. It was great to see our big girl sitting up, and she enjoyed it as well. But, then the real miracle began. As we expected, Abbie's legs were fairly tense when we put her in the seat, so they were sticking straight out. The therapist put Abbie's stuffed Nemo under her feet and asked her to find him with her heels. She did!! Then we turned him sideways so she would have to go down farther to find him. She did!! Then we moved Nemo and put a little dog in his place so that Abbie would have to put her feet down farther. When we asked her to, she did!! The therapist was astounded at how well Abbie followed directions. She said that she was going to ask speech therapy to come up. I was curious what she thought they could do for Abbie at this point. She said that they have a lot of assistive devices to help Abbie communicate -- she felt this would cut down on her frustration. I think it took a few minutes for me to absorb what she was saying. Not only was she acknowledging that Abbie can hear, understand, and comply with directions, she was also saying she believes Abbie can communicate!! Even as I type this I am shaking my head in near-disbelief. This is such a huge step, and gives so much hope for the future. It was exciting too, to see how thrilled and surprised the therapist was at what Abbie can do. The pace at which she is recovering is more that we could've hoped for. God has shown me over and over that nothing stingy comes out of His storehouse. He loves nothing more than to rain down blessings on His children, and today I feel that we are soaked to the skin in His abundance.
Ray and I are taking the kids to dinner tonight and both taking an evening off from the hospital. The other kids really need us, and the twins especially are beginning to show the strain of having a phantom mom. My mom, who has been incredible through this whole journey, will sit with Abbie tonight. Would you just pray that their time together will be sweet and that Abbie will be calm? And, would you pray that my upcoming nap will be enough rest so that I can be pleasant and loving to the kids -- they haven't seen that side of me lately.
I am so excited to share what Abbie is doing with you, because you are a big part of making it happen. I truly believe that what is going on can be summed up very simply as the power of God, unleashed by the prayers of His people.

Thursday June 3, 8pm
Getting ready to head back to the hospital. My mom said that during the time she spent with Abbie this afternoon Abbie's secretions were much, much less. This is a real answer to prayer and should help to make her more comfortable.
It has been one month today since Abbie's accident, and as I remember that first night it reminds me how incredibly far she has come. It is too painful to dwell on for long, but thinking about that first week and the struggle just to hold on to life brings me to my knees again with praise and thanksgiving for God's faithfulness.
Major prayer requests are for her esophagus to be healing so that reflux will not be an issue for her. Please also keep praying about improvements in her awareness and responses.
Prior to Abbie's accident I was almost finished with a Beth Moore study called "A Woman's Heart, God's Dwelling Place" that focuses on the Old Testament tabernacle. I studied each part of it in depth, and today I pondered the lampstand again. Inside the Holy Place the lampstand burned olive oil, illuminating all the beautiful furnishings of the Holy Place. Of course, to get oil you have to press, or crush the olive. I think we all spend so much time worrying about keeping our perfect Olive shape, or becoming the very best Olive we can be. We obsess about training our Little Olives,including living in the best Olive neighborhoods and gaining admission to the best Olive colleges. We are completely missing the point. We only become useful when we are pressed -- when all we work so hard to maintain is crushed to produce something that is actually valuable. As I look at my precious little girl lying in a bed because she has been crushed, tears are kept at bay by the light I see radiating around her -- God is using the oil pouring forth from her to illuminate darkness all over the world. I can only marvel at how God works.

We are so proud of your progress.

Thursday, June 4 11:11am
Finally home after a couple straight days at the hospital. Our little Abbie is doing so well. I bought her a bunch of little toys, including a spongy little football. That one is definately her favorite, and she squeezes it on command. She is also starting to lift it. Her cough has gotten remarkably stronger, and her gag is improving as well.
We had our first "discharge planning meeting" yesterday with the case manager, social worker, financial services folks, and Abbie's doctor. It was exciting to be talking about bringing her home. The mountains of paperwork bring back memories from our Army days, but we are thrilled to be filling out what seems like tickets home for Abbie. It looks like it will take 4-6 weeks to get everything in place, specifically the home nursing care, in order to bring her home. The Occupational Therapist is going to visit Abbie tomorrow to begin the process for getting her a wheelchair and "seating system".
God is asking us for patience in almost every reading and message. My good friend Evelyn gave me a book yesterday by Elisabeth Eliot, a woman whose faith astounds me. The last paragraph I read said this, "Sometimes the word comes very slowly. In Psalm 112:4 we read 'Light rises in the darkness for the upright.' It may be a gradual thing, imperceptible at first as the coming of the dawn, but long before we see it, the cock crows and there are stirrings. There is no question that the dawn will come. We have only to wait."
In my waiting I hold on to the truth that "the dawn will come" and in this night I am treasuring the opporunity to get to know the Lord so intimately.

Pretty as a princess.

Tuesday, June 1 10:30pm
Just about to head out the door to relieve a very tired Ray. I was getting the update on Abbie from my mom, Crystal, and Chase because they spent the afternoon with her. My mom said, "Well, something kind of bad happened, but I think it is good." That got the knot in my stomach re-tied..She said that it looked like Abbie was hiccuping. They asked the nurse to look at her, and the nurse said it looked to her like Abbie was crying. The movement looked like the kind that kids do when they are crying hard and trying to catch their breath. Her tears were also flowing. Oh, this broke my heart to hear. Please pray for her physical comfort. I don't want her to be in great pain as she heals. Please pray also that all of us who love her so much will be able to comfort her during this time. As much as new movements and responses are exciting, I pray that we will not see this specific one again. It is such a blessing and comfort for me to sit here and type this knowing that this simple message will result in prayers being poured forth for Abbie. Thank you so much!

Mama loves you.